The Linguist
by yuffiehighwind
Summary: Dee asks Charlie for a favor, but he's not going to like it. Charlie/Dee.


**_Summary:_**_ Dee asks Charlie for a favor, but he's not going to like it. _

**_Notes:_**_ Charlie/Dee. Takes place after the events of my fanfic "Charlie Bangs Sweet Dee." As an experiment, I told the story using only dialogue. Borderline Sexually Explicit._

* * *

**The Linguist**

"You want me to do _what?!"_

"Do I really need to repeat myself, Charlie? I want you to go pearl diving, bobbing for clams, give face, go south..."

"Uh..."

"Yodel in the canyon, part the pink sea..."

"Okay, okay, I get it! Jeez. It's just...I dunno if I wanna put my mouth down there."

"You will eat just about anything. I've seen it. This isn't any different, except, ya know, a lot more fun."

"Fun for _you_, maybe."

"Well, yeah, but it's not like I won't return the favor."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh. Just do this one thing for me first."

"This is like the hundredth favor I've done for you."

"Just _one _more thing. You said it yourself before, you liked watching me..._you know_."

"Those were completely different circumstances. You were on top of me. We were...It was different."

"Ugh, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...Please? _Please,_ Charlie."

"Alright, that's more like it. So, if I agree to do this, you'll go down on me?"

"Yes."

"You've got yourself a deal. What do I need to do?"

"You'll pick it up as you go along. Come on, let's go."

"_Now?_ Don't you want to make out a little first? Or at least finish our beer?"

"Fine."

"Sooo, what'd you think of the Phillies last night? Think we're gonna beat the Mets next week?"

"I don't know."

"'Cause I think we're gonna _destroy _them."

"Yeah, this isn't doing it for me. Just kiss me."

"'Kay."

"No, not like that, like _this._ Now kiss my neck."

"You weren't this bossy last time."

"Let's go to my room. No, leave the beer at the table. My sheets still smell like a distillery."

"What are you talking about?"

"Huh, I guess you did kinda brown out."

"That whole night is a blur. A good blur, but still..."

"You seemed pretty lucid to me."

"Ok, so, you wanna lie down? Or...you sit on the edge of the bed and..."

"...you kneel on the floor. Yeah. Okay, um, I'll just..."

"Whoah, hey, don't get naked yet. Let's...let's just kiss some more. Mmm, you smell good."

"Yeah, that's 'cause I just showered."

"Oh. That's considerate."

"Ow! Stop biting my earlobe!"

"I thought you liked that kind of thing."

"No, I don't. Where did you get that idea?"

"We didn't bite last time? Then how did I get these bite marks?"

"I don't know. One of those cats that follow you around?"

"And these scratches?"

"Pretty sure those are from a cat. Ow! Don't scratch me, too!"

"It feels kinda good, though."

"No, it doesn't. Now focus."

"Okay, I'm focused. Want some help with those?"

"Sure. No, unbutton them _before _you unzip."

"I know how to take off a pair of pants, Dee. Now shush, I'm sexing you. Hey, I think the zipper's stuck."

"No, it isn't, it's just...Oh. I think you're right."

"I'm just gonna pull them off you. Take off your shoes, first. Dee, just...sit down before you fall over. Flamingos are more graceful than you are."

"Shut up, Charlie!"

"Hey, that's not very nice."

"Neither is calling me a bird."

"I was saying how _not_ like a bird you are."

"Somehow that's worse in this context."

"Just lie down. Now scooch down the end. Closer, closer."

"Now who's bossy?"

"Shh. Let me work."

"You've never done this before."

"I'm a fast learner. So...panties on? Panties off?"

"Panties off. Obviously."

"Okay. Just shimmy out of those. Very good. Um..."

"What? What is it?"

"Nothin', I just...I've never seen one up close before, okay? It looks weird. Hey, are you blushing? Don't be embarrassed."

"I'm not embarrassed, I'm insulted! Stop being so insensitive!"

"You sprung this on me two minutes ago!"

"That's no excuse!"

"I only agreed because I'm getting a blow job later."

"Ugh."

"Don't sound so disgusted, or I won't do it. Besides, you'd like going downtown."

"Riiight."

"It'd be fun."

"For you."

"Isn't that the point? A little give and take?"

"Sure, yeah, of course."

"You're not taking me seriously, are you?"

"It's a little difficult with your face in my crotch."

"Don't call it your crotch. Ugh, that's not sexy at all. Just call it a pussy."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? With the cat thing?"

"No, I don't like cats that way! Why'd you even go there? That's gross. You're gross."

"You'll like petting my pussy. She doesn't bite."

"Doesn't even look like a cat anyway."

"That's 'cause I got a Brazilian."

"What's a...? Oh. You've been planning this!"

"Um, yeah, that's why I invited you over. It's why I kept dropping all those hints earlier."

"What hints?"

"All those innuendos, back at the bar."

"What's an innuendo? You said you had something really good to eat back at your place. I was a little confused when I showed up and all you had was ramen and PBR."

"That reminds me I gotta go shopping."

"Ya know, it's kinda like your pussy's talking to me, and that's making things even weirder. Sit up."

"No, no. I'll be quiet."

"Good. Now lie back and relax."

"I'm kinda nervous."

"You're nervous? _You're_ nervous? I've never been this close to a vagina in my entire goddamn life! Jesus, Dee..."

"Shut up, okay! I'm getting all tense!"

"_I'm_ all tense! That's why I wanted to keep kissing you! Maybe getting me off would help. We can always switch places, ya know."

"No. If I do it first, you'll renege on our deal."

"That's _so_ not true."

"It is. You men are all the same."

"Don't go lumping me in with the rest of them, that's really insulting. Alright, look, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna stop arguing, take a couple deep breaths, and I'll...rub your, uh, leg for a bit."

"Mmm."

"And your inner thigh. Feels good, right?"

"Yeah."

"Um, and your...your...You know."

"Mmm. Rub in little circles, okay?"

"Like that?"

"Yeah. And keep your other hand on my thigh. I like that."

"This isn't so bad."

"Mmm."

"You're getting...Oh, you're getting pretty wet."

"Yeah. It's good."

"What if I do _this?_"

"Oh!"

"Am I doing it right?"

"Mmm, yes. Keep going. Ah!"

"A little faster?"

"Y-yeah. You're actually pretty good at this."

"I told you I'm a fast learner."

"Mmm. Now lick it."

"Um..."

"Come on."

"Uh..."

_"Charlie."_

"Can't I just keep doing this until you come?"

"No, Charlie, I wanted you to go down on me, remember?"

"This is down. I'm down."

"You're fingering me, and that wasn't the deal."

"Yeah, but the result's the same."

"It's not the same. It's different."

"Show me scientific evidence to prove that."

"I mean it _feels_ different. It feels really, really good. It's...wet, and warm..."

"You're already wet and warm."

"Just kiss it. Here, I'll help you see better."

"Perfect. You just touch yourself and I'll watch."

"Just kiss it, Charlie. It's just like kissing my lips."

"Your lips don't look like _that_."

"You're gonna make me say it again? Fine. Please. _Please_ kiss my...Oh!"

"There. I kissed it."

"With your tongue this time."

"You want me to do it again?"

"Until I come, Charlie. Ugh, you're so stupid!"

"I'm not stupid, Dee! I'm just...It's just weird. This is weird."

"How's it any different than a blow job?"

"A blow job I can wrap my head around. It's like sex, but in the mouth."

"This is the same thing."

"No, it's not. But whatever. Move your hand so I can...Okay, here goes."

"Do it like...like you're French kissing me. Open mouthed. And swirl your tongue a little bit. Or flick it. Yeah, flick your tongue."

"Dee, you can't direct every little thing. You gotta let me improvise."

"I'm just telling you what feels good."

"Just tell me like a normal person, by moaning."

"Mmm. Ohh...Oh, yeah..."

"Good?"

"Shh! Don't stop!"

"What if I do this at the same time?"

"Yes, that's...Yes, do that! Now shut up! Oh...Oohh, _fuck_, Charlie!"

"Stop squirming around."

"I can't help it. _Shit_..."

"You like that, huh, Dee? When I finger your tight little pussy?"

"Don't talk dirty to me, be quiet. If you're gonna talk, spell the alphabet."

"What does that mean?"

"Never mind. Hey, don't pinch my thigh!"

"You said I could do whatever I wanted."

"I didn't say that. I said I'd stop telling you what to do."

"Don't get all uptight. Relax."

"I didn't say you could _bite_ my thigh, either!"

"I'm not biting you, I'm giving you a hickey."

"Same difference."

"What are you...what are you doing? Stop pushing my head down. Ow! Why'd you pull my hair?"

"Don't bite my leg, you're supposed to be eating me out!"

"I'm multitasking. I'm fingering, I'm licking, I'm biting. It's all part of the Charlie Kelly package."

"I'm trying to forget you're Charlie Kelly for a few minutes."

"Then you shoulda asked someone else to do this. Ben the Soldier? That guy Rex? Mac?"

"Ew."

"Dennis."

"_Eww! _I think I'm gonna be sick."

"He's really good at this kinda thing."

"He's my _brother!_"

"Some people are into that shit. He'd have you coming in no time. He'd know _exactly_ how to get you off. He knows all the tricks."

"Oh my God, why would you...why would you ever say such a thing to me? While you're...That's it. We're done. Get out of my room. Hey, I told you to...What are you doing? _Oh!_ Ohhh, , don't you dare leave me with that image in my head and then make me...Ohhhh, _motherfucker."_

"Haha, I didn't know you were so kinky, Dee!"

"I'm not, I just...I can't think straight when you're doing _that_."

"Pull on my hair."

"What?"

"Go on. Pull it. Harder. Make it hurt."

"Uh, okay. Okay, yeah. You like that, huh? I knew you would, you dirty boy. Dirty, _filthy_ boy. You just _love_ licking my wet hot cunt. Sucking on my clit and..._Aww, shit._ Just keep...keep fingering me like that and _don't stop_. Use the flat of your tongue. Up a little...Yes! Right there. Oh, shit. Ohhh, fuck. Don't stop, don't stop, don't...Ohhh, I'm close, I'm so close! Oh, shit, Den...Char...I mean Charlie...Fuck, I just need to...I need to...I _need_..._Oh, fuck!_"

...

...

"Hey, Dee."

"What?"

"Are you done? Was that good?"

"Yeah, that was...That was pretty good."

"You didn't come in my mouth or anything, so I wasn't sure."

"Girls don't jizz. Well, not like guys do. My cum is probably all over your face."

"What? Eww!"

"Really? You were down there for like five minutes and you're only just realizing why it's all sticky?"

"I gotta wash this off. And brush my teeth. And drink some mouthwash."

"You mean rinse with mouthwash, right? You're not supposed to drink it."

"No? Oh. Well, what is it, anyway? Just another kind of alcohol."

"Good thing you're such a 'cunning linguist.' Otherwise I'd be ashamed I know you."

"I'm a what? And aren't you ashamed anyway?"

"I'm getting dressed."

"Ugh, my knees hurt. Hey, so, you wanna get some dinner before you do me? Order some pizza? 'Cause I'm not really feelin' the ramen."

"_'Do_' you? What are you talking about?"

"You know, the blow job?"

"Oh. No, you misunderstood me. I didn't mean I'd do it _tonight_."

"What? No, no, that's not how sex works. People bang _each other_. It's a two-way street. You don't just mouth-bang someone and not get mouth-banged back."

"Men get blow jobs all the time and don't reciprocate!"

"Yeah, and it's unfair to the lady, so the other way 'round is just as unfair."

"We're not getting take-out, either. This isn't a date."

"_What?_ You promise me food, you trick me into going down on you, and then you just kick me out right afterwards?"

"That does sound kinda bad when you put it like that."

"Ya _think?_"

"Still not feelin' the blow job and pizza thing."

"How about just the pizza?"

"Meh."

"Ramen?"

"I'm kinda tired. I think I'm gonna go to bed. You should probably head home."

"Dee, I know you're just acting like a bitch and you don't really mean these hurtful things."

"Goddammit, Charlie, don't...don't make the puppy face at me! Okay, fine, you can stay. Frank probably knows you're here anyway."

"_Yes!_ And the pizza?"

"Someplace cheap. No Papa John's."

"Fine by me."

"Just cheese, and no breadsticks. Damn, now I kinda feel like garlic bread."

"Hmm, I dunno."

"What? If my breath's bad, I'll just drink some mouthwash."

"You're not supposed to _drink_ it, Dee."

"I was _joking._ Clean yourself up and meet me in the kitchen."

"And my BJ?"

"Negotiable, but you can sleep here tonight."

"You drive a hard bargain."

"I think it's more than generous."

"We'll see. That couch isn't very comfy."

"Oh, really? I've slept on yours and it's not much better. It's got mice living in it. And Frank."

"It's got a lot of character. A lot of history."

"Mine's got...pillows."

"Mine also has pillows, and pulls out. This? You can't stretch out on this thing."

"Fine, you can sleep in my bed."

"What?"

"You can...You can sleep with me. In my bed. Tonight. But just for tonight. And just because, ya know, it's late, and it's dark out..."

"And 'cause I ate your box."

"That too."

"Thought so."

"So...One large pizza?"

"Yeah. And garlic bread. And maybe we can bang later."

"What?"

"What."

"Be quiet, I gotta order. Hey! What was that for?"

"No reason. Just felt like kissing you is all."

"Well, keep it to the cheek, pal! I know where that mouth has been."

"Yeah, yeah. Where we ordering from?"

Fade up on Dee. Her cheeks are pink, her chest flushed, and her long hair is tucked behind both ears but sticks up in the back, in need of brushing. She carries herself like a weight's been lifted, relaxed and breathing evenly. Behind the eye-rolling and annoyance is the hint of a smile, and Charlie could see it if he paid closer attention to her eyes. She has her phone in one hand and a stack of take-out menus in the other. Dee hands them to Charlie, then runs her fingers through his messy hair. She yanks slightly, making him wince, but he gives her a broad grin.

"You decide."


End file.
